you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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