I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
