half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
