i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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