Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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