My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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