look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
