I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
