Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
