I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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