Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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