Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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