Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
A+ Viking dick
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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