So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
