I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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