In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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