Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
