Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
