hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She said her name was "party"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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