there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
