I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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