Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
