What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
