I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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