Fine. I'll sleep in my office
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
