I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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