Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Drunk is not a location!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
