WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm at about main and main street
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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