His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
sex in a hospital.. check
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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