remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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