Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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