We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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