So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
