woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I love you. Go after that dick
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
