this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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