How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
