when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
