I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
All the doctor said was why
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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