Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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