Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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