i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
