Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
