I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
