I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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