Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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