ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
