when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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