Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
