textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
