im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
