I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
