He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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