8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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